5/1/2020

“ Please, God not today” was my prayer on the 1st of May. I had been having cramps and spotting for about a week, barely there but enough to get that familiar pit in the bottom of my stomach. I knew that I would probably lose this baby but I didn’t want it to be on a day that I hold dear. The 1st of May had been Noah James due date and it seemed if I got through that day everything would be ok. As I went to bed that night I relaxed and said a prayer of thanks as I drifted off to sleep.

In the morning I woke up still crampy, worse than the day before. I was worried once again. I had found out we were expecting again just 2 weeks before. The positive test was small reassurance and I took a test everyday to watch the line get stronger. I tried to lean into the pregnancy every day. To be grateful for the baby I had growing. I started to think about names and set up another Amazon Wishlist. I tried to take each day at a time. We went for long walks and I stopped lifting weights, I ate really high quality foods and cut back on coffee. I tried so hard to do everything right. The consuming anxiety was always looming and I was always wondering when I would lose this baby. I had two mental milestones to get through now. I had to get past 11 week and then 19 weeks. Maybe after I got past those dates I could breathe easier. Preterm labor was also a concern but I couldn’t comprehend getting that far.

Maybe I knew it wasn’t going to work, maybe it wasn’t a viable embryo, maybe my body can no longer carry a healthy baby I don’t know.

On May 2, I was in the bedroom folding clothes and I felt a warm gush and I knew what was happening. I sat down on the edge of the bed in shock. I went completely numb. I couldn’t feel anything. I knew if I felt anything it would hurt too much and the wounds of the most recent loss were very fresh. The bleeding didn’t get too bad but we decided to go to the ER since I didn’t know how far along I was and after the last loss I didn’t want to wait for things to get too bad.

I went to the ER and it was in the midst of Covid chaos. Travis was not allowed in the ER with me. He stayed with the girls and I went into the ER...again. I was taken back to the room fairly quickly and was given an ultrasound. They could not see anything on the screen. There was a sack but no baby which makes me wonder if there was ever an actual baby or not. It doesn’t hurt any less though when you get that positive test you are a Mother all over again. They said I was most likely very early about 6 or 7 weeks and I may have passed the baby before I arrived.

I was sent home with instructions to come back if the bleeding got worse and somewhat anxiously we went home. My bleeding picked up and for about a week I was home working through it. One night I woke up and it was reminiscent of the loss I had in December. The bleeding was getting bad so once again we went to the ER. My mind was calm but my body was not. I remembered the trauma of the last loss. I was trembling and shaking uncontrollably for much of the visit. Adrenaline was running high. I didn’t expect Travis to come in at this point. Most people were pretty strict on the Covid restrictions. I was on the phone with my Mom to tell her what was going on and told her Travis was waiting with the girls and that I hoped she could come down and help out with them since it was looking like I might need a D&C. The nurse had heard my conversation and asked if I wanted my husband to come in. I said of course I did and she said she would get him in for me. She said that it wasn’t right for a woman to have to go through this alone. I was so grateful for her. We were able to get a friend from church to come over on short notice to stay with the girls until my Mom could get to our house from Post Falls. It was so nice to have him with me and definitely calmed the nerves just to have him there holding my hand.

The Dr. on staff that night was very rude and cold. I did end up getting a D&C that night. Travis was not allowed up to the recovery room and could only come in to pick me up when I was ready to go home. I went back to surgery, the cold OR and the bright lights were so familiar and my body was shaking again. It took a long time to be put under. I just wanted to go to sleep.

When I woke up I was very groggy and the first thing that registered was pain. I was barely able to talk and just said pain. The nurse gave me something that helped pretty quickly and I became more aware of my surroundings. I was wheeled to the recovery room. I was so dizzy and so out of it I couldn't sit up for a while. I was wanting out of there so badly though. After 4 hours I was able to walk with assistance well enough for them to say I could go home. I was wheeled to the front of the hospital where Travis was waiting to pick me up. I got in the Tahoe and even though it was a short drive it felt like it took forever to get home. It was daylight and so bright, I was breaking out in a cold sweat and my heart was racing in my chest. Once home I went to bed and was hoping it would all be better with some rest.

My bleeding never stopped. I wasn’t sure what happened but the D&C didn’t slow down any of the bleeding and the Dr. never followed up with me to tell me how the surgery went. A couple weeks later we went to the ER again when once again my bleeding was too heavy for comfort.

I had another ultrasound and I met with the Dr. afterwards. The blood draw showed pretty high elevated levels of the pregnancy hormone HCG. They hadn’t dropped since the day of my D&C and were still sitting at around 3,000. The ultrasound showed a mass in my Uterine wall. From what they could see at the time it was inside the muscle and they could not get to it for another D&C. He recommended Methotrexate to dissolve the tissue. Travis was with me at this time and we talked it over. I was so ready for this ordeal to be over and done with. The Dr. had said that the pregnancy could have been a Molar pregnancy which is when an egg is fertilized but only the placenta grows and no baby. He said “if” that was the case it could potentially turn into Gestational Trophoblastic Disease ( a term I’d never heard of). It is a tumor that can embed in the uterus and potentially turn into a deadly cancer. We were shocked and originally agreed to the Methotrexate injection. I was overwhelmed with the information and it didn’t seem like we had many options. Methotrexate is a Chemotherapy drug and it has to be mixed up to your exact weight. They had to be very careful with the administration.

While we waited for the pharmacist to come and mix up the drugs we prayed and researched. I didn’t feel at peace about it and neither did Travis. We googled side effects and complications which for most people are minor but they can range from mild to severe. I tend to react badly to medication and find I am often in that 1% of medical anomalies. We decided to decline the Methotrexate at that time. I walked out and instantly had a huge weight lift off of me. We walked out into the afternoon sunshine and we spent some time researching natural remedies. We found a few supplements to try. I wanted to at least give my body a little more time to see what it could do.

My regular OB called me a few days later. He was ok with me not taking the Methotrexate, he understood that it was not an easy thing to take. He wanted to monitor my HCG levels for a few weeks and see what they did. I had been taking my supplements regularly and at my next blood draw the numbers were down to 1500! That was nearly half of what it had been a week before. This was after they had been at 3,000 for almost a month. We were so relieved and I felt that God had pointed us to the right course of action.

Week after week I went to the lab in the hospital. The lab techs started recognizing me. One time I had a tech all excited I was getting a pregnancy test… How do you tell someone that you are praying for a negative test but you want so badly to be pregnant?

Every week my blood levels would drop at least a little usually in half. In July I went in for my usual check and chatted with the tech that I had seen the most. Telling them I was hoping for a negative. I left feeling a little more apprehensive than usual. My test results post on a My Health App on my phone so I usually see the results before the Doctor's office calls me. I had gotten down to an HCG level of 9 the week before. Less than 5 is considered negative. I was so wanting to see that 5 or 4.5 that I stayed up until I got my results. My heart sank when I saw that it had actually doubled… It was now over 20. My Dr. called and said he wanted to just wait a week and draw again since it could just be a lab error. I was ok with that and tried to relax and just wait it out. The next week my level was over 40. I was so frustrated. I was so close to being done with this whole long drawn out ordeal but it wasn’t over yet.

Since my levels were now rising I had to go in to have a sit down Dr. appointment where they would tell me the next steps. I met with the same Dr. who had first recommended the Methotrexate. He had a smug I told you so attitude which wasn’t very helpful. He told me it was most likely GTD (Gestational Trophoblastic Disease) and that he was referring me to Spokane GYN Oncology. He said at this point they would need to give me a higher dose of Methotrexate than he was able to do in his practice. He was sending me to get an MRI and a chest Xray to see if I had any tumors in my lungs. If it was GTD it would spread quickly all over the body.

We left the appointment with a feeling of dread. Had we done the right thing? I cried for about 30 seconds and then said what can we do? Travis said I could do an extended fast. We have both done Intermittent Fasting for about 3 years now. More so in the last year. We eat 1 meal in the evening and then have a snack a few hours later for a total eating window of 4-5 hours. It works for us and we love it. I have tried some 2-3 day fasts and have felt pretty good as long as I have some electrolytes to drink. We have both researched the benefits and effects of fasting on the body. In a fasted state the body can clean up old garbage cells and break them down in a process called autophagy.

As soon as he mentioned fasting I knew that's what I would do. I had a week before my MRI and XRay were scheduled. I decided to fast until then. My Mom came and took the girls for a few days so I could just rest and not have to take care of anyone but myself.

The first 2 days were pretty easy. Day 3 was hard and I couldn’t watch Travis eat without wanting to cry so I hibernated in the bedroom. Day 4 and 5 I was feeling weak and it was getting harder to get around. My legs were heavy and I was feeling pretty bad. I knew it was time to break the fast. I had some Watermelon and drank some Celery juice. It was so good!

I had my MRI and Xray done and then a few days later I had my appointment with the Spokane Gyn-Oncologist. She was really nice and talked through all our options. She said based on my numbers she wanted to start a round of Methotrexate, it would be an IV done every day for a week. My lungs were clear and the MRI showed that the tissue was local, it was half the size that it had been on my ultrasound a few weeks before. I asked what my other options were. She said she could give me a Hysterectomy or I could get the Methotrexate. I was so against the idea of putting poison in my body that I told her I would rather get a hysterectomy. She was a little shocked. I think she was just expecting me to go with the Methotrexate route. She had said I could even start it today! She said well, there is a 3rd option but I can’t do it one of my colleagues can. We both perked up immediately. I wasn’t too thrilled with either of the options she had presented us with. She said that he might be able to do a procedure that is essentially a localized deep D&C. He would use a camera and look to see where the tissue was and cut it out.

She sent him a text message to see if he could meet with us that day. The hospital was almost 2 hours away from home so we didn’t want to make an extra trip if we could help it. Not 30 seconds later the door to her office opened a Dr. peaked his head through and then seeing she was with us he started backing out. She said, “no, no we need to talk to you!”. She said, “did you get my message?”. Confused he said, “what message?”. The Dr. we needed to see had come in on his own to talk to her about something else. He was supposed to have been in surgery but it had been cancelled! He told me I looked familiar but he wasn’t sure from where. He looked at my MRI scan and said, “I think that is a procedure I could do.” We walked through the hall to his office. He had time right then to do a consultation. He went through my records and said, “I know why you look familiar, I delivered your daughter in 2015!”. I was surprised that he remembered. She was a footling breech emergency c-section preemie, but still that was 5 years prior!

He was almost going to do my surgery that day but he decided to wait since he wanted his staff to be prepared and I had to get a Covid test. We ended up scheduling it for 2 days later. We went down early on a Thursday morning in mid-August. I was settled in for surgery, they took another HCG blood draw. The results weren’t back before surgery was to begin. I was very peaceful and was thankful for the opportunity to do something less invasive than butchery or poison. The surgery went well, I woke up feeling better than when I went under. They had loaded me up on pain meds before I was woken up. I was sitting up and feeling great. I asked the nurse if the HCG levels had come back. She said that they came back as negative, <2. I was shocked.

I’m attributing the drop to God and fasting, that was before the surgery. The Dr. had wanted to give me Methotrexate the day I went to her office without rechecking my levels. She would have attributed the drop to the drugs she had given me, when actually my body had already done what it needed to do!

The Dr. had taken out the small mass of tissue, he took some pictures of my Uterus during the hysteroscopy. It was kind of cool to see. He said that the tissue was not inside the muscle of the uterus at all, that it was basically just resting on a piece of scar tissue and it came right out. I left the hospital feeling so grateful and so relieved that this long process was over. My bleeding finally stopped and after almost 5 months since it began my miscarriage was finally over.

I am thankful for God’s hand over the whole process. It wasn’t over quickly, it was emotionally draining and in some aspects harder than what happened in December. I believe God did show us how we needed to handle each hurdle we were presented with. I’m not saying there is never a need for some of these interventions but I believe they should be a last resort and all other options should be exhausted first. Fasting is a powerful tool and I’m thankful for first hand knowledge of it’s effectiveness.