Sleepovers (and why I don't allow them)

In 2011 I married into a giant family that seemed to be everything that I had hoped for. Christian, down to earth, hardworking, conservative etc. etc.. I came into the family with my own preconceived ideas of what a family was. I grew up in a safe family. I had sleepovers with my friends and nothing bad ever happened to me during those times. I had a naive trust of the people around me, especially Christians. I assumed that they were safe.

When I married into the Dahlin family there were 17 children and many of them were already married with their own families. When I had my first daughter I thought nothing of having my child spend a few hours with her aunt and uncle while I went to the gym or on a date night. She could be at Grandma and Grandpa's house or another any number of aunts and uncles at almost a moments notice, there was always someone available. It was so nice, I felt like I had my village. When I went into early labor with my second daughter and was hospitalized for a week the family stepped up and there was always somebody for my daughter to be with. It was hard but I could rest knowing that she was loved and safe. During the subsequent 8 week NICU stay I didn't see my oldest for sometimes days on end as she was over an hour away with extended family. It was hard, at the time it was some of the hardest days I'd been through. I thought how blessed I was to have such an amazing support group. It happened again when with my youngest daughter. I ended up having an emergency c -section at only 31 weeks of pregnancy and another NICU stay. It was hard but we got through because of everyone's help.

The last time I really remember feeling grounded and sure of my support and the people around me was when my son Noah James died. I was about 19 weeks pregnant when I went into labor and he was born much too small. My girls all stayed with grandma through my hospital stay. The hospital let me take my baby home since he was less than 20 weeks. My ex father in law let us use the family grave plots out in Blanchard, Idaho. I thought it was pretty incredible how everyone came together to support me and my family at the darkest hour.

Little did I know it would all too quickly be ripped out from under me and leave me falling and scrambling to protect my children. When the facade was finally pulled away, I could see people for who they really were. There was so much damage and wreckage the only way to survive was to leave. My ex-father-in-law had sexually assaulted one of the girls, the oldest brother Matt had s/a'd two sisters, my husband at the time Luke had s/ad his sister, another brother Ben abused

another sister. More and more disclosures were being brought to light. The uncle my girls had spent many a night with was capable of heinous acts towards a three-year-old child. The women who comforted me during my loss turned on me and chose to stay with the men who were capable of raping small children. I don't understand that mindset and never hope to. My reality was gone, there was nothing left except to sell my house and leave.

That was such a wakeup call to me, thankfully my girls (as far as I know) were not victimized. However, I cannot get over how safe I felt letting them sleep in a den of lions, thinking that they were with guardians and protectors. All this to say, you can't know if a family is 100% safe. I spent 7 years living in this family environment before some of the truth came out. I believe there is much more to uncover. Sleepovers can be fun, I went on many growing up and nothing happened to me. Knowing now what can be lurking so closely disguised as seemingly safe people, I cannot in good conscience have my girls staying with another family. Abuse at sleepovers can come from other parents, other children, siblings or cell phone or other electronic use and any other number of circumstances. I am educating my girls on bodily autonomy and not being naive and trusting anybody just because the "seem nice". Hopefully my story will help wake a few people up to the reality of what is happening even in (especially in) Christian circles.