A Cup of Coffee

 The morning sun was still streaming through the window. the last of it’s golden light was starting to turn into the whiter beams of the day.  I sat on the couch in front of the big window in the living room.  The curtains were opened to welcome the new day. The window was big and the light revealed a few nose prints from dogs peeking out, and from the 1 year old who liked to perch on the back of the sofa and look out at the world.  She would sit for as long as I could hold her up and she would laugh and point at whatever caught her eye. She was always especially excited to see her Daddy pull up in his pick up after a long day of work.  Her prints were all over the window like a piece of living art.  Anna was there, visiting for the first time since I had been married the year before.  She felt like a piece of home. I felt awkward though, like I was forcing a smile and trying to be so happy, this was everything I ever wanted, everything I ever prayed for and dreamed of. I had a husband, a house and a baby.  I couldn’t let anyone see that deep inside it felt like I was putting on a show, like I was playing a part that I no longer had control over.  My friend was here now, though, and that was real, that brought me joy. She has been my best friend since the day we met at 15 and 17 years old.  We were both going through our own struggles and in need of a real friend. We had so much in common and hit it off immediately. she was a light in a dark time and I think I was that for her as well.  We were different but complimentary both having different goals and a different path in life, yet somehow we were always there for each other.  Having her here now reminded me of the many days we spent just talking and dreaming of the future.  The baby was still asleep, and we were enjoying the quiet, Luke was already up and made me a cup of coffee. He brought the steaming cup to me and with a smile said, “Here’s your coffee, I know you need it after so much sleep”.   I smiled and said. “Thank you”.  The kind gesture felt uncomfortable and the smile on my face suddenly felt harder to keep in place.  But… how lucky was I to have a husband bring me coffee?   

***I didn’t remember this moment until a few months ago when Anna brought up to me how he was always saying the nicest things while simultaneously cutting me down and implying I was lazy or inept.  So many little moments like this keep flooding back to me and I am shocked that I didn’t see it while I was living it.