Did He Really Confess?

We were driving home from his mom’s house. We pulled into the long winding driveway in the blue grey minivan that wasn’t quite built for country roads. The small house with the slant roof was visible on the small knoll that swelled up in the distance. Cottonwoods and Cattails marked the halfway point as we crossed over the small creek that cut through our property. Spring was well underway, almost breaking into summer. The colors were vibrant. We made the sharp right at the switchback near the end of the driveway instead of following the natural curve of the road that made its way to our big gray barn. We parked next to the 4 maple trees in front of the house.

They were planted in a pattern of green, red, green, red. The first three trees were much bigger than the newest red sapling, the addition that had been my Mother’s Day present that year. We were going to continue the pattern down the driveway as we had the money and time to do so.

Our girls gathered their things and clambered out of the vehicle and into the house. I was getting ready to go inside. My now ex husband Lukas Dahlin stopped me and he looked like he was going to be sick. He said he had something to tell me. I wasn’t sure what to expect.

That week news of his sister filing a police report against the oldest brother for raping her throughout her childhood had rocked my world. I thought it was affecting him similarly I thought he wanted to talk to me about that. Such shocking, heartbreaking news that was changing everything.

I sat quietly and listened as he told me he inappropriately touched one of his sisters as well when he was younger. He was crying and shaky. My stomach dropped, of all the brothers in the family I thought that my husband was one of the last people even capable of such a thing. He always came across as sweet, meek and mild mannered. He told me that it didn’t last long that she was pretty close to his age. (There are 10 sisters so it’s hard to keep track) He told me that it was only some mild inappropriate touching and that it stopped several years before he left home. He said he was about 17 when it stopped. He had asked her for forgiveness and that was that.

When he told me all that, I was sick. I could not even picture him doing such things to a child. I was very quiet, hurt and angry. He was crying and seemed to be broken. I was processing everything and almost to the point of leaving at that moment. I was reeling from that blow which would turn out to be just the first mild warm-up hit.

I called my Dad crying, which is not typical for me. I didn’t want to lose the farm and family that I thought I had grown so close to. He was pretty shocked to hear what I had to say.

I was out on our little porch looking out at the field below the driveway. The grass was growing and getting tall, the mountains all around used to make it feel like we were so safe in our own little valley. Now the mountains seemed to loom in and and feel like they were closing in on my life as I had known it, squeezing out any joy that may have existed.

My dad told me to think about the last few years and what kind of husband he had been. I thought he had been faithful to me for the past few years. I thought that he was trying to pursue the Holy Spirit and righteousness. I was calming down and realized that it was years ago before I had met him, that he seemed truly repentant and that I shouldn’t throw everything away for one indiscretion in his past.

My now ex-husband had called our pastor. We had just started going to the Real Life church in Newport. We had only attended a handful of times. The pastor came down in just a couple of hours to meet us at the house and talk to us.

When he arrived, I set the girls up on the couch in the living room with a movie to keep them entertained and the rest of us went out to the fire pit in the front yard for some privacy. The house was very small and cozy so we went outside, out of earshot of the girls.

We sat on rickety handmade benches and camping chairs around a cold fire pit. The pastor asked what was going on and we told him about what had been happening in the family and what Luke had just disclosed to me. He told me how serious these things were and that I was right to be so upset. He asked Luke if he had anything else to confess or get off his chest and with a huge smile looking him straight in the eyes he said , “no”. The pastor said he would help counsel us if we needed or I could meet with his wife. Communication and trust could build our relationship and make it whole.

I was still reeling from this news and trying to stabilize the legs of the chair of my life. It changed my perspective on who I was married to and I was working on forgiving him for lying to me and not disclosing this to me when we were in pre-marital counseling.

The next month was one that was difficult for the whole family. I thought we were all trying to figure out life after hearing such shocking, awful things about the sister who had been raped. I continued to go out to the family farm and work on the huge garden. I loved to help with gardening and the Farmer’s Market on Saturdays.

Nearly a month after Luke first told me everything, came the knockout punch. Which I wrote about in the post "my divorce story".

Looking back I often wonder, why did I stay then? My gut was telling me to go but I reasoned and rationalized my way back to staying. I think it may have to do with the fact that there was more truth that needed to come out.

To summarize, in July my now ex-husband confessed to me about seeing prostitutes, which is what led me to contact his sister to get her side of the story. I wish I had done that in the first place. I then learned what actually happened and how bad the sexual abuse really was which led me to take legal action to keep him from having the opportunity to harm my girls. The lies were too deep and twisted for me to ever trust him again or to stay. His sexual abuse of his sister had lasted longer than our entire marriage.

The truth made me stronger, it made me learn to speak up and stand up for what is right when for the most part I’d rather avoid a confrontation. It made me separate completely from a family full of toxic secrets and sexual abuse. Aunts, Uncles, Grandma’s, Grandpa’s and Cousins are now out of the picture. God showed me how deep the lies ran and how much cover up had gone on for years, if it hadn’t come out this way I could still be there, living a lie.

Why do families side with the abusers? Why do they want to bury their heads in the sand and ignore the truth? They want to keep on living life as though nothing horrible happened. All the abusers still carry on with life as usual and are invited to family functions and dinners. The victims are being told through these actions, that they don’t matter, that their pain and trauma are inconsequential. They are left having to deal with it in their own way.

That was why I moved 2 hours away. I could not be with people who have harmed children, lied about it and now pretend nothing happened. God makes it very clear about how we are to protect children and not cause them to stumble. The abusers all say God has forgiven them so that is all that matters. I wholeheartedly believe the blood of Jesus Christ can cover even the sin of raping a child. However, the issue is that we are still living in a fallen world with a sinful nature, we have temptations and stumble along our journey. If you are capable of harming a child in such a way then stay away!

It’s also a problem when you’ve proclaimed Jesus your whole life even while raping a little girl. It makes any future confession and profession that you have “really changed” empty. God has also given us the legal system, true repentance should mean full confession and disclosure to the law and a willingness to undergo whatever consequences may come your way. In the movie “war room” a man was saved and came to know Jesus. Prior to this he had profited over $20,000 worth of pharmaceuticals from the company he was working for. He apologized and confessed to his boss and was willing to undergo any punishment they brought his way because he knew he deserved the worst. People who are not truly repentant lie and minimize.

I still cannot answer the question why families side with the abuser. It makes no sense to me. Leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve done, especially being so close to everyone. However it was really my only option. I really had almost no contact with other friends or people outside of his family. With such a huge family it was hard enough to keep up with all of them, much less any outsiders. It was not easy to leave but I had to. It came down to protecting my girls. It wasn't about me or the extended family, it was only about my girls. Which made the decision very simple after all.

God wants us to protect our most vulnerable, our orphans, widows and children.

This is why I’ve started writing about my story in my blog, to bring light to this dark, scary, uncomfortable topic. I’d rather not talk about little girls being sexually abused and raped by people who are supposed to be protecting them. I’d rather post some idyllic stories about farm life but that is not the world we live in. The world is dark and full of sin.

Christians and the Church need to do better to make a stand and protect vulnerable children. They need to make the congregation aware of people in their midst that they know have sexually abused a child. The church’s need to reach out to the victims and listen to their story, as well as provide help to them, and they need to realize that the majority of abusers will lie about what they did. They will place blame on the victim, and anyone but themselves, and/or they will minimize what they actually did.

Forgiveness is a huge part of all this. It does need to happen for all involved. I have forgiven my ex husband for all the lies and the hurt he caused. I do pray for him and his soul. I pray he is truly repentant and changed. However, given the nature of his sins I cannot open my doors to him or let him have my children without supervision. I’m not writing to get back at him or to be vindictive and spiteful. I’m not just stuck on this paralyzed to move on with my life. I’m writing this to make people aware of what goes on behind closed doors. What can be going on in your own home, community, family or church. I’m writing this to hopefully encourage other people to speak up or get out of a bad situation. That it is worth it, your children are worth it, you are worth it.

I hope that this story can help you in some way. Whether you were a victim or involved in some way. I hope you know that it is wrong and that you are loved. That God does not want us to just forgive and forget. That God does not just want us to let people proclaim the gospel and continue abusing and lying. I hope you are encouraged to share your own stories and to let the truth be told.

Listen to my story at Sons Of Patriarchy podcast on any major platform, also linked here https://youtu.be/_zSqY_1hYXg?si=BeXEixmupZtux7WB