Don't Forget

It's been 3 1/2 years since my ex husband and I separated. I went into the marriage so naive and blind. He came across as kind of sweet and inexperienced with the world. He came from a big family that seemed so big and happy and perfect from the outside. I wanted to be apart of that and even though there wasn't a huge love there, I went a long with it.

After having 3 kids and getting the farm of our dreams I thought I knew how life was going to go. I could see it stretch out for years. There was always something not quite right. I never could put my finger on exactly what it was. I did know that our little family was never the priority for him. Farm projects never got done unless my Dad came down to help. A pumphouse took months to start and then went where. There was just no real love or care for any of us.

In November of 2017 he went on a "business trip". I was 15 weeks pregnant left alone with 3 girls 5 and under, dogs, cats and a milk cow to milk twice a day. At the time I was too overwhelmed to think much of it but looking back I can see it showed how little he cared. I had had 2 premature babies before that pregnancy and had delivered at 32 weeks and 31 weeks. I had needed bed rest for much of the last few weeks of those pregnancies. I'm not sure why it seemed like a good idea for him to leave on a work trip for a few weeks. It wasn't even an important one, it could have easily waited a year or more. 2 weeks later my baby died due to placental abruption. I can't help but feel some responsibility for not taking it easier or for not sticking up for myself. I wanted to prove that I was tough and could handle it. Maybe I could, but my baby could not.

The selfishness afterwards is something I don't like to remember either. Trying to put it delicately without being too graphic. The day we buried my son he asked for more "favors" from me to keep him from having temptations because "guys struggle with that" and as a wife it was my responsibility to keep him from stumbling... I was angry and reeling from shock that all he could think about was sex after my son was cold and dead buried that same morning.

I still didn't even know what he was talking about until months later when he "confessed" his many trips to a massage parlor where they "touched him inappropriately". I do not even know how one goes about finding those places. It is no accident that they end up "touching" you that's for sure.

It led me to do some more investigating into some things I had learned just a month before. He confessed to some "inappropriate touching". I learned that he had actually raped a little girl for years and years. He coerced her and manipulated her into keeping quiet. Hearing her side and what she went through broke my heart. That little girl was his sister... a family member he was supposed to love and protect. He was supposed to keep evil away from her instead he perpetrated the worst kind of abuse imaginable on a young child. Starting when she was the age of my oldest daughter at the time. I knew that he couldn't be around my girls anymore. I didn't even know who he was...or ever did know. He hid everything and pretended to be so "normal".

The months after are a bit of a blur. I left Newport. I sold the farm. I found out it was multiple brothers raped multiple sisters. So much cover up had gone on that I had to get away from it all to get things into perspective. He was so apologetic, he cried, he said, he didn't know why the Holy Spirit didn't stop him from doing bad things. He swore he would change. Swore he had nothing to tell. That he would love me and the girls forever... Etc.. Well, 5 months after we split about 5 days after the divorce was final he told me he "found someone". Told me she knew everything and she didn't care. He didn't take any time for any real healing he needed someone and he found his next perfect victim. Less than a year after they were married he already sought out the company of a prostitute but she "forgave him" and they are better than ever due to their open and honest communication. While I hope he has changed I have yet to see it. I don't think any one who has raped a child even once should ever have access to children.

There's a difference between letting go of bitterness and forgiveness. I write about my experiences to educate people. To help them see how closely child sex abuse can be to us and be totally unaware. I pray that his heart is truly changed. I pray more for his victims though. They are the ones who matter. They received a perverted view of Christianity and what a family should be. I write this for people who feel alone. It's worth it to leave a bad situation. I'm thankful everyday that my whole life was not lived a lie. That the truth was revealed.

Listen to my story on Sons Of Patriarchy available on any major podcast platform or linked here https://youtu.be/_zSqY_1hYXg?si=BeXEixmupZtux7WB