Faith 12/19/19

12-19-19

Just over a year ago on December 19, 2019 I had my second miscarriage. It was my 5th pregnancy and second loss. I will get into the other stories another time. As the anniversary approaches I thought it would be appropriate to remember her and tell her story.

It was winter of 2019. We had just been back home in Moscow for a few weeks. We’d spent some time in various places across Washington for Travis’ work. We were settling into our routine of being back at home. My mom came up from Post Falls to visit with the girls and I. We ended up driving to Applebees for lunch. We found a large corner booth and all five of us filed in, and found our seats. The waitress handed the girls the children's menu and they all settled in to coloring with their typical enthusiasm.

I had been hungry and looking forward to lunch, but looking at the pictures nothing looked good at all except for chicken tenders. I usually would choose something slightly healthier, but my nausea was so strong, and the thought of anything else made my stomach turn.

That’s when it hit me, I had been tired, my coffee wasn’t as delicious as usual that morning and I had some bouts of heartburn in the 2 days prior.

I was talking and trying to stay casual and keep the conversation going. Inside my mind though my thoughts were swirling, and realization was settling in. I have never had a regular period ever, so a long cycle was nothing new. I’ve gone a year without a period before, so missing a period is not a reliable sign at all. I was calculating when I could go out, and get a test without raising suspicion.

The chicken was delicious. It settled in my stomach so well I was almost doubting my initial feeling that something was off.

We finished up lunch. I decided to run into the grocery store while my mom stayed with the girls. I managed to grab a pregnancy test, and bring it home undetected. I knew it was better to wait until the morning to test, but I had two tests in the box. I did not have the patience to wait any longer. My mom went home, and the girls were settled playing in their room.

I went to the bathroom, and pulled out the test. I’ve taken many due to my PCOS, since I never know when it could happen. This time I felt different. I just knew deep down this was it. I dipped the test and even though the instructions tell you to wait 3 minutes I couldn’t. I just sat, and watched the test develop. I watched the control line pop up and waited about 30 seconds… Nothing, it was negative. Somewhat disgusted that I let myself take a test in the afternoon much less believe I might actually be pregnant, I put the test face down on the shelf. But, five minutes later curiosity got the better of me, and I picked it up once again.

My hands started shaking as something caught my eye! It was a faint line. A very faint line, but I knew it was a real line. I was speechless, and so excited. I hid the test deep inside some drawers in the bathroom. I wanted to find a special way to tell Travis, and was contemplating some ideas. I ended up writing a card telling him the news, and placed the test with it. I wanted to wait until the morning to get a darker test and just “be sure”. It was hard not to say anything. When he came home that afternoon I tried so hard to act natural.

We had dinner together with all of us around our small table in our tiny apartment. It was getting cramped, and there was hardly any room for us to walk around. It was cozy though. I still miss that first place. I don’t remember what I made that night, but Travis got something stuck in his teeth. He went to the bathroom to find a toothpick flosser. He started digging around in the drawers! I thought, “Oh, no! He’s going to see the test! He came out a few minutes later as I avoided looking up, and hoped he hadn’t seen anything. He didn’t say anything. I thought for sure he had missed them.

Later that evening after the girls were in bed, we were relaxing and working on a Jigsaw puzzle together. Travis just blurted out, “is that pregnancy test in the bathroom from a long time ago?” I just said, “yes”. I tried to get busy with some of the pieces in my hand to not give it away. It took me about 10 minutes. I couldn’t do it anymore. I said, “actually that was from today.” I handed him the card. He was so excited, I’ll never forget how happy we both were. I was happy to think that one of my babies would have a decent man to be their Dad. (Read why here: post/divorce )

Travis and I were very excited and looking forward to having a new person to add to our new family. I don’t know how many tests I ended up taking, but I finally decided it was real! (Travis tells me he counted 9 tests, I have a problem!) I was a little worried about how this pregnancy would go. I had lost my son, Noah James at 18 ½ weeks gestation, 2 years before. That was a lifetime ago and a husband ago. It seemed that this was a fresh start, and a two year gap would be in my favor.

I was cautiously optimistic. I tried to embrace the pregnancy as much as I could. I made a private Amazon wish list, and would add unisex items when I thought of things we might need. All the baby stuff from the girls had been long gone since my youngest was 4 already.

Our tiny apartment was already cramped and it was just the push we needed to up-size. The company we rent from had some larger units available and we had keys to the new place by the end of the week! It was almost double in size and still reasonably affordable. We moved when I was about 6 weeks along and I tried not to do a lot of heavy lifting and climbing up and down the stairs. My main symptoms were nausea and fatigue so it was difficult getting everything done and put away but we got it all done.

A few days after we moved in we were sitting at the dinner table and I felt a huge gush of fluid. Already a bit paranoid I rushed to the bathroom to see what was going on. It was a large amount of blood. My heart sank and I went numb for a while. I was trying not to let fear and doubt take over my whole pregnancy. I laid down on my bed and prayed and cried for a while trying to “stay positive”. The bleeding didn’t continue and by the morning I decided to wait to go in to the Dr.. I did call the office to let them know, but since the bleeding had stopped they just said to monitor it and let them know if it started up again. My first check up and dating scan was only about a week away so I hoped and prayed we would be okay until then.

On the day of my first Dr. appointment I was pretty excited/anxious to see how things were going. I was not entirely sure how far along I was and I wanted to make sure everything was looking good. We all piled in the Tahoe, the girls and Travis waited outside while I went to check in. I didn’t have to wait long until I was being called back. It all seemed surreal and familiar. This was my 5th pregnancy but my 1st in a new town with a new life and I kept thinking of how things used to be and how different my life was. It was very different but all for the better and I felt so blessed.

The nurse went through the typical vitals and then took me back to a small room for the ultrasound. I met with the doctor, he was very kind and professional. I told him about my concerns with the bleeding a week prior and about my previous loss. He thought that since I had 3 living children my odds of having a successful pregnancy should be pretty good. We even ended up talking about labor and delivery options. That seemed like such a long ways away but it made it seem much more real just talking about it. I had had a c-section with my youngest daughter Elina and he wasn’t sure if a VBAC would be a good plan for me or not. He thought it was very possible but might be better to go to Spokane Sacred Heart Hospital where they would be better equipped to handle any complications.

He finally got on with the ultrasound out and brought the screen up where I could see. I looked over, and there on the screen was a tiny, familiar looking gummy bear! The heart beat was strong and flickered on the screen. He measured the baby and estimated me to be about 7 weeks and a few days gestation. I was hoping that somehow I was way further along. This never happens to me for whatever reason I always find out at the earliest possible moment. Nonetheless, I was pretty pleased to see a tiny healthy baby.

There was no sign of a blood clot or subchorionic hemorrhage which was a concern of mine since I had one with Anneliese, Elina and I suspect with Noah as well. The gush of blood from the previous week made me think that there could be one this time as well. I left the appointment pretty encouraged that things were looking good and that there was nothing to worry about. After the appointment we decided to tell a few family members and close friends that we were expecting in July of 2020!

In December the fatigue and nausea were very real and very hard to work through. We did manage to make it on a family trip to Leavenworth and Wenatchee where Travis grew up. We visited a living Nativity set where they had the town of Bethlehem live with Roman soldiers on horses, businesses with storekeepers and patrons, there was even a camel! We walked through the whole Nativity Story which included the angel appearing to the Shepherds and at the very end was a quiet stable with a peaceful baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph. The girls loved it and they still talk about it like it was yesterday. We also made it to the Leavenworth lighting ceremony that weekend. I’d never been to Leavenworth at Christmas and other than all the people it was pretty magical. It was very cold and they had a few fire pits along the street that were life savers. It was fun and memorable. I was imagining being there the following year as a family of 6.

A week or so after the Leavenworth trip I noticed a small amount of spotting. It was not bad but it was persistent and I felt my heart sink once again. I think I just knew it wasn’t good. It wasn’t enough to go in get checked out for. So, I just monitored it and tried to keep my feet up as much as possible.

On December 19th I was feeling pretty crampy all day. Nothing crazy but enough to be unsettling. I tried to rest and push the worry away. I kept telling myself it was normal to have cramps. It had been a few years since my last baby and I must have just forgotten how uncomfortable pregnancy can be, right? I went to the restroom in the evening and out of nowhere blood just started gushing. I got out as quick as I could and told Travis we needed to go to the ER. The girls had just been put to bed for the night so we roused them and they sleepily put on boots and jackets and headed to the Tahoe. I knew it wasn’t good but I held on to hope and prayed every second that this baby would be okay.

Travis and the girls came into the ER with me (this was pre-Covid thank goodness). I went back by myself though. Travis stayed in the waiting room with the girls. I was taken back into triage and the pain was getting pretty intense and the bleeding was getting worse. That first night at the ER is a little blurry and somewhat overshadowed by future visits. I do remember that I was alone a lot. I was lying on a hospital bed having pretty intense labor like pain working through contractions mostly alone. An ultrasound tech came in and did an ultrasound but she wouldn’t let me see the screen. She kept it turned towards herself. I heard her check the heart beat and the baby was still alive at that time. I tried to read her face but she should have been a poker player, her face was so blank. That should have been my first clue that it was over but I clung to hope. I would not give up hope until it was over.

The Dr. came in some time later and said it was a threatened miscarriage and that it was not looking good. I think I was given some pain medication eventually but it didn’t do much. They did some blood work and set me up with a blood band for a possible transfusion since I was bleeding pretty significantly. The pain lessened and I felt the baby and everything pass all at once and then it was over, just like that. The nurses took everything away and then the Dr. came to talk to me. She told me that it was a perfect little baby. She had no answers, she was so sorry and said it just happens sometimes. She asked if I would like to see my baby and I said yes.

She brought in a small dish with the baby who was still inside the sac and perfectly formed. She had to push the sac to bring the baby to one side so I could get a better look. I could see the fingers and toes and eyes and the tiniest little umbilical cord. The Dr. was very sympathetic and seemed to understand that it was a valuable little human life. She never once called it a fetus or “products of conception” which is a term I hate. She called it my baby and I’m very thankful that she was my Dr. that night.

I asked if Travis could come back to see me and they said he could. A nurse sat with the girls for a few minutes so that he could come back to see me. As soon as he came in the doorway we looked at each other and I immediately started sobbing, he cried a few minutes and just held me and hugged me. We were quiet for a long time then I asked if he wanted to see the baby, he said, “not yet” but a few minutes later he asked where it was.

The Dr. had set the baby up on a shelf and I pointed it out to him. He brought it over to me and we both admired the perfect tiny creation. It was such a painful miracle to see a life when it’s meant to be hidden, a stage of life that we so rarely get to see and we should only ever imagine. I didn’t want him to leave but he needed to get back to be with the girls. They were so happily spoiled by the staff and mostly oblivious to why we were there. Adriana was more aware than the other 2 but they were all so excited about snacks and coloring books and stuffed animals that the hospital was gracious enough to provide that they were sufficiently distracted.

I was sent home with a few instructions, rest, recover and a list of things to look out for that would send me back. I spent the next day or 2 in bed and Travis took care of everything so I could rest. It was all a blur, I was sad, I was angry, empty and confused. I felt the pain of losing my son on top of this loss. The anniversary of his passing was just 2 weeks prior. I had tried not to spend too long crying and remembering because I didn’t want the negative emotions to effect this baby or this pregnancy in anyway. Yet here I was 2 losses in 2 years, wondering what I had done for my body to fail me yet again.

A couple days later on the 21st I was bleeding heavier than I should have been and so we went to the ER once again. The trip to the ER in the dark felt very GroundHogs Day-esque. I went into the ER and once again Travis stayed with the girls. The Dr. on call was not as great as the first Dr.. He ordered an ultrasound and saw some “retained products of conception”. I was given two options, Misoprostol which is a drug to help everything pass or a D&C. At the time I did not want to have any surgery since that could add to any scarring I might already have, so I opted for the Misoprostol.

I was sent home and given instructions on what to do. I asked my Mom to come take the girls for a couple days since I had heard that the drug could be very rough and cause a significant amount of cramping and bleeding. I didn’t want to have my girls see me in pain and bleeding so they went off to Grandma’s for a couple days. They were so excited to have an early Christmas with Papa and Grandma.

I took the 6 pills with a sense of dread. It felt so wrong but it had to be done. Travis and I spent the afternoon together just waiting for something to happen. I had some mild cramps but only noticed them because I was waiting for something to happen. I read that it can take up to 24 hours for Misoprostol to kick in so I just thought it was taking a long time to work. Nothing happened that day or the next day either. It seemed that the medication wasn’t doing anything. I asked my Mom to bring the girls home on Christmas Eve, I wanted us all to be able to spend Christmas Day together.

The girls came home in the afternoon on the 24th. My mom left our house at around 2. We had our usual opening of one gift (matching pj’s of course) the night before Christmas. It felt so nice to have things returning to a sense of normalcy and I was grateful that we could be together even if the holiday was far from what I had envisioned.

We got the girls tucked in bed and we were winding down for the evening working on a puzzle. I got up from the couch to use the bathroom, Travis asked if I was ok and I said “yep”. I had still been bleeding since the 19th but it had tapered off some since our ER visit. I sat down and I heard something pouring out of me. I had to look because I was sure it couldn’t be blood. It was coming out too fast. It was blood though, I waited for it to stop but it didn’t. I grabbed a huge pad and put it on and tried to leave the bathroom only to realize I had flooded it already. I was making what looked liked the beginnings of a murder scene there in the bathroom. I grabbed the only thing I could think of which was a giant fluffy bathroom towel. I had on workout leggings, and I grabbed the towel, stuffed it inside my pants to keep it on. The towel was somewhat comically sticking out on either side. I told Travis we had to go now and started trying to clean up. He said, “what are you doing?? GO! I’ll take care of it later.”. He got the girls up and somehow they made it to the vehicle in record time. I was already sitting there trying to stay calm and focused feeling blood pooling up. For some reason I was particularly worried about the Tahoe seat.

We made it to the ER which was only about ½ mile way in seconds. Another trip in the dark winter night... It was the same trip about the same time of night so eerily similar. Yet, this time was different. At this point I really wasn’t sure if I would make it back home. Travis stopped at the doors and I took enough time to turn around and look at the girls and told each one that I loved them. I thought about how I might not see them again but I didn’t want them to feel or see any worry or anxiety in me. So I left and walked in the ER.

I made it to the front desk and just said, “I’m bleeding really bad”. They had me sit in the intake room and the nurse from 2 nights before was there again. She started doing the intake questions and I felt the wave of blood come out from all sides… it was bad. I stood up and I turned around on the chair I had been sitting in. It was a puddle of blood that went to the floor. It went down my legs, into my shoes and onto the floor.

The nurse didn’t realize how bad it was until that moment. She just jumped up, grabbed my arm, and walked me to a triage room. I left a trail of bloody footprints. She helped me take off the bloody clothes and get a hospital gown on. Then she put one of those giant puppy pads down for me to sit on. It wasn’t a hospital bed it was more a giant chair that could recline and shift into a small bed. I knew my situation was bad when the ER nurse was shaking so bad trying to get my IV that she kept blowing veins and cussing and apologizing. She kept trying to tell me to lay down but I said no I had to sit up. The Dr came in and she just nodded and said, “ let her sit up”.

I was losing blood at an impossible rate. I saw it pool up under me, the bright contrast of the red on white. The sound I heard as it started splashing to the floor in a constant stream. That is a sound that I’ll never forget. Time slowed down, I felt completely helpless but very calm. I was okay. I knew that I had absolutely no control over the situation and there was a very real chance that I could die. I was somewhat okay with that. I would love to meet Jesus and to see my baby Noah James and I would love to meet the baby I just lost. I did not want to leave my new husband or my girls, they needed me most of all. I didn’t want to die but I was at peace.

I started asking if Travis could come see me. I asked if he could come in just for a few minutes, I wanted to have a proper goodbye not the rushed exit into the ER. They brought him back pretty quickly and he looked a little gray and worried. He held my hand and sat with me and he prayed for a bit. I have no sense of time but Travis said they were all moving very quickly. They had told me I would be going back for emergency surgery. They had started an IV as well as a blood transfusion already.

They brought the hospital bed for me to get in to go to surgery. I was able to walk to the bed. They covered me in warm blankets and I had to lay down. Travis was able to walk with me to the “red line”, he gave me a hug and a kiss and an I love you. I felt my eyes well up a little but I refused to cry and just focused on adjusting the hair cap that they had put on me. Travis said he felt like dramatically shouting “I love you!” one last time as I went around the corner but he restrained himself.

He went to get my things out of the room I had just been in. He is still traumatized by how much blood he saw. He said that the nurses had covered the majority of it up with those giant pads. When he went to get the towel that I had brought from home it uncovered a pool of blood that was already congealing and about an inch thick on the floor. He said he wasn’t sure how someone could survive losing so much blood. He thought he might have lost me already.

In the OR it was so cold. I was calm, I didn’t want to go under and I hated the thought of losing control of going to sleep and not waking up. I prayed and asked God to let me wake up. Then I thought about heaven and meeting my babies as I went under.

I woke up pretty groggy. I heard nurses bustling and tried to open my eyes. Then it hit me, I was still alive! I could feel that the bleeding had stopped. I was warm, and not in a whole lot of pain. I was so happy to be there. The nurses saw me trying to wake up, and they started talking to me. They were saying surgery went great, and that my family were in the waiting room just across the way. After I was able to talk and wake up a little more they wheeled me out to another room. We went by the waiting room and I saw my family. I’ll never forget how good it felt to see all their faces!

We went into the room. The nurses set the girls up with juice, and snacks again. My mom was on the way back after just dropping them off 6 hours earlier! I still wanted the girls to be home so she just took them back to the apartment. My mom had put them to bed so we could hopefully still do Christmas.

The Dr. came in later that night and talked with us. He said that he found a big chunk of tissue that was causing all the bleeding. It was positioned just right that it was not allowing a major blood vessel to clamp down, which had led to my bleeding out. He said that I lost about 2-2.5 Liters of blood which is about half of what an average female has. He said that it would not have fixed itself. I would have bled until I bled out and died if I hadn’t come in when I did. He said it was tricky to get to but as soon as he got it the uterus was able to clamp down and the bleeding stopped. It really was a miracle. It was truly a miracle, I had lost 50% of my blood volume and never lost consciousness. Most people will go into shock and some never recover from that kind of rapid blood loss.

I was super weak and after a few hours I tried to walk to the bathroom. If Travis, and the nurse hadn’t been on either side of me holding onto my arms I would have ended up on the floor. I’d never felt so completely weak, and helpless before in my life! It was hard to just move. They gave me another unit of blood. That did help me feel a little better.

In the morning I was ready to be out of there, I wanted to go home and have Christmas with my family. I was able to be home by late morning or early afternoon. I have no idea what time the girls went to bed but they were still asleep when we got home. My mom took off since she was exhausted. She wanted to get to her own home, and get some rest. We went to bed and slept for a few hours. We had our Christmas morning late that afternoon when the girls got up. I just watched from the couch. I didn’t move much but it was so good just to be there. It truly was a Christmas miracle. I realized how much I had to be thankful for. I regretted ever taking anything or any moment for granted. The relief of being alive overshadowed the grief of the loss in that moment. It was hard to lose a baby, but it would have been worse to lose us both.

In the weeks following I felt pretty good emotionally. It all hit me though when I got a phone call from the Dr. office. The nurse somewhat robotically told me they had done genetic tests on the fetus. It was a genetically normal female. That was all they knew, and she hung up. Knowing we had lost a little girl was grief all over again. I could more tangibly see all the moments from the future that were ripped away from us. I was still thankful though to know a little bit more about who my baby was. We never officially named her. We had wanted to name our baby Faith if it was a girl.

The physical recovery was rough. I think it took about 3 months for me to feel somewhat normal, and not completely exhausted just from walking up one flight of stairs. I had good days, I had bad days, but I had Travis, and the girls to help me not to spiral. The biggest takeaway from everything was that God is in control. I am more thankful for the little things in life. I am thankful for my 3 girls, and for a husband who loves me. I know that my babies are in heaven. One day I will meet them. Noah has a little sister to hang out with. I am thankful for what is but so many times, especially around the holidays I keep thinking about how much sweeter it would be with all my babies here. I also know that God has kept me around for a purpose and everyday I need to make the most of the time that I have been given.