Grief

Grief is something that we are all acquainted with on some level. Just the fact that we are human comes with some knowledge and experience of grief. We know death is inevitable, we have lost loved ones, whether through death or broken relationships. They are all real and terrible and overwhelming. It is much like being lost in an ocean storm, tossed about on a dark cold night.

I’ve experienced an amount of grief in the last three years or so that I didn’t know was possible for one person to endure. A marriage of seven years ended abruptly (read that story here: divorce) and resulted in losing nearly all of my ex-family members. The church which supported me now offers support to the man who they encouraged me to leave and protect my children from. I lost my son in a cold ambulance on the way to the hospital at nearly 19 weeks of pregnancy. I lost my first child with my husband Travis during our first year of marriage, then our second child and then our third.

Each one of those is painful in and of itself. Though the more miscarriages you have the more they blur together. It can be overwhelming to think about each one of my children and who they would have been today. I’ve been trying to write out the story of my last miscarriage that was in May of this year (2021). The words haven't been forthcoming and I've been struggling with this one and how it turned out.

It was different, so different. I still don’t know why it happened the way it did. We were so hopeful. We found out pretty early. Travis was in Spokane for some work training and we were all living in a hotel for a couple of weeks. I started bleeding profusely and passed so much blood and tissue I thought for sure the baby was gone. So, we went to the ER and they found a tiny baby and a heartbeat! I was early, barely 6 weeks but my baby was there and alive. It was a miracle.

I continued to bleed for a couple weeks and was on bed rest while in the hotel, which wasn’t the most ideal but we made it work. My mom had the girls quite a bit which was really helpful. I went to the Dr. at 8 weeks and the baby was still growing well, even ahead of schedule and my bleeding slowed down. I was getting hopeful and thought this baby might actually make it. My goal was to get to 10 weeks and I did. I remember the receptionist making my appointments for the next 6 months. She handed me the list of the schedule and I remember thinking, “I just hope I make it to the next one”. I did not. I did make it to 10 weeks exactly. That night I went to bed feeling restless. I was just about to sleep when I felt a trickle of blood, my adrenaline immediately kicked in, so I got up and sat on the couch.

It was then I realized it felt different, it wasn’t just blood it was pain and cramping. Travis came out because he heard me crying which I wasn’t even aware of how loud I was (he told me it sounded like a horror movie). I decided to go to the ER. The Dr. ordered an ultrasound and my baby didn’t have a heartbeat anymore. I have had four miscarriages and that is the first time I’ve had to hear those awful words. I still don’t know why I lost this baby or why I carried the baby until 10 weeks.

I know that I’m not alone in my grief. It feels isolating at times but I am not alone. Jesus Himself was a “man of sorrows acquainted with grief”. (Isaiah 53:3) He experienced a pain and a loss that we will never know until Heaven, when we can fully understand what He gave up to come to Earth and die in our place. He not only went through great emotional and spiritual pain, but also a physical torture that is hard to comprehend.

Grief is something that will always be with us in this life. All the things I’ve heard about finding joy and happiness in this life are often trite, or as Proverbs puts it, “ whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.” (Proverbs 25:20) In other words it comes across as abrasive and not helpful.

The pain is real, it is deep and raw. God sees our pain and our loss, He remembers our tears and keeps track of them. He also promises to wipe away all our tears, He stores them up in a bottle, they are not forgotten. The thing is He hasn’t done that yet. The tears are still accumulating. We are still struggling, still in the midst of the pain and grief that this life has to offer. Our tears won’t be wiped away until the end of our days.

The promise God makes, that He will wipe away our pain and tears is beautiful. It doesn’t minimize our pain. It acknowledges how deep our pain is and at the same time shows how big and strong our God is. It shows what He is capable of. I wouldn’t know what He was capable of without experiencing the depths of the lows of pain and grief. However, that promise comes in the midst of my storm. I know it is true and I cling to it like a buoy in the midst of a raging ocean storm of grief. I’m hanging on to it waiting to be rescued by the one who saves. I won’t know true healing and relief until this life is over but I can cling to it in faith and that brings me comfort.