Noah James

November 30, 2017

I’m not sure if I’m ready to write this. I started this story 4 days after I lost Noah, and it has currently been 6 months. If I don’t get this on paper now it won’t happen so here goes.

On Thursday Nov. 30 2017 I was 18 weeks 3 days pregnant. We hadn’t yet found out the gender and I was counting down the days until my ultrasound. After having 3 girls I was fairly certain that we would be having another girl but still holding out hope for a little boy.

The few days prior I had been feeling particularly tired, sore, grumpy and not feeling well in general. On the morning of the 19th I was feeling off. I tried to do a light workout but felt gross so I stopped midway. I opted for a magnesium salt bath instead. I still felt crampy and just off so I called my Dr. office to let them know what I was experiencing. I had a nagging feeling that and I just HAD to go in and get checked out. I decided to just start the drive to Spokane even though I was still waiting for a return phone call from the Dr.. It takes an hour to get to Spokane from where we lived and I just didn’t think I should wait around.

My mom met me at the Holy Family parking lot and stayed in the Tahoe with the girls while I ran in to get checked out. The Dr. was able to see me pretty quickly even though they weren’t exactly expecting me. He told me that nothing looked off. I was just on my 4th pregnancy and getting older and my muscles were stretchier and feeling more pressure due to those factors. He did an exam and said that I looked okay and that I wasn’t dilated at all and he sent me home. I was so relieved to just be the crazy pregnant lady and that nothing was wrong.

My mom and I took the girls to the Trader Joes that was not too far from the hospital. We got snacks for the girls since it was almost lunch time. I was so tired I just wanted to go home. I remember feeling hot and flushed. We got home and I was so exhausted. Luke got home and made a really delicious corn chowder for dinner. After dinner I felt more cramps and pressure and decided to lay down in bed for a while. I still didn’t feel okay and I was starting to shake from the pain. Luke thought I should go in and get checked out again.

After having just been to Spokane I decided to go to Newport since it is only 10 minutes away. It was snowing and late and the girls have had a crazy day. I didn’t want to put them through more craziness and for them to have to spend the night somewhere else. I walked into the ER by myself and Luke stayed with the girls.

I walked to the front desk and told them I was pregnant and having lots of pressure and pain. I was put into a room where I did a lot of waiting. Luke had decided to take the girls home and wait for an update.

A nurse finally came in to take my history. I was not able to sit on the side of the bed because the pain was getting pretty bad. I tried to stand and was in obvious discomfort. She seemed oblivious to the fact that I was extremely uncomfortable and went through her long shpeal of questions.

She left and a long while later 2 other nurses came in to check the baby's heart rate. They left without actually checking and seemed as if they didn’t know what they were doing. I don’t think they dealt with many OB emergencies and that they also didn’t think I needed to be there. Ten minutes later they came back in and actually checked the baby’s heart rate. It was 138 beats per minute.

They decided to do an ultrasound as well. They brought the dinosaur machine in. The nurse didn’t even know where the outlet was to plug the machine in. At this point I was regretting not driving to Spokane. The Dr. came in and began the ultrasound. I saw the baby up on the ultrasound screen moving and kicking. He said that everything looked fine. I might have low amniotic fluid and should get that checked out at a Maternal Fetal medicine center. He said he would write me an order to get checked out later that week.

He thought that nothing else needed to be done and was going to send me home. I just knew something was not right. The pain was worse; it was just one constant ball of pain. I asked him to please do an exam and check for any cervical dilation. He was very taken aback and seemed uncomfortable with that, again I don’t think that the ER in Newport dealt with very many OB cases. I told him I’d had 2 preemie babies and was maybe a little paranoid but even for peace of mind I would appreciate it. He agreed to go ahead and do the exam but he had to go get some gloves.

He did not return for half an hour. I think he may have had to do some research and figure out what he was even supposed to do. I heard a quick firm knock on the door and he came in at the exact moment that he knocked I felt a hot gush of fluid. I told him that I thought my water broke. He just asked the nurse to get a swab to check for amniotic fluid. I continued to feel more and more fluid gushing and I lifted the blanket to see bright red blood running on those pure white sheets. I leaned back defeated and angry and just said “it’s blood”.

The Dr.s face changed and he finally realized the gravity of the situation. He said he would call a Spokane OB/GYN to see what he should do. I called Luke to tell him it was real and that he should be there. He took the girls to his parents house. It would take some time but he was on his way. Nurses kept coming in and out half of them with no clue as to why I was there. They were laughing and being jovial while I just lay there in pain and bleeding losing my baby.

The one nurse was trying to figure out how to put the fetal heart rate monitor and contraction monitor on my very small belly. I was not even 19 weeks and she put it just under my ribs where it wasn’t picking up anything.

I was getting frustrated and asked one of the nurses to get a new puppy pad that I had under me. The nurse who was there to put the monitors on my belly had no idea that I was just gushing blood. She seemed shocked at the amount of blood and said, “oh, we better weigh that.” I was feeling pretty dizzy at this point and nearly passed out so I called Luke while he was on his way, and then my Mom to help me feel better and focus.

They had to test my blood and were getting me ready for a transfusion but they messed up the test so I didn’t get one before the ambulance arrived.

The Dr. told me it didn’t look good and that they were transferring me to Holy Family. He seemed genuinely sad if not a little shocked at the turn of events. He even gave Luke a hug when he arrived. The pain I was feeling was turning into hard contractions and I requested pain medication as I didn’t want to feel anything. I was angry at my body for what it was doing. The pain medicine made me feel really high and out of it.

The medics showed pretty quickly. There was an older man and a super young guy who had a deer in the headlights look. I learned later that it was his first week officially on the job. They helped me move onto the stretcher. They wheeled me through the cold dark hospital the bumping and jolting to the ambulance was horrible. I thought that it would get better once we were driving but the whole ride was pretty miserable.

They laid me flat and strapped me down in 4 places. It was very uncomfortable. I asked if I could sit up since it was pretty unbearable to be flat on my back. They adjusted to stretcher to allow me to sit up. I slipped my feet out of the bottom strap so I could bend my knees. The medic didn’t seem to mind and it was much more bearable that way.

The younger medic drove and Luke rode up front with him. I requested more pain medicine. The paramedic working with me gave me some which worked fairly quickly, whatever it was only lasted about 20-30 minutes. He hooked me up to the oxygen tank since mine was low. He checked my blood pressure a few times then just went about doing paperwork. At one point he got up to reach something behind me and at that moment the ambulance driver hit the brake really hard causing him to punch me in the side of the face in an effort to catch himself. I couldn’t help but laugh at that point about how bizarre everything was.

Luke told me we nearly were in a bad accident due to a driver pulling off to the left then changing at the last second and going to the right.

I noticed the second round of pain medication was not helping anymore and the contractions were hard and frequent. It was feeling like real hard labor. I was praying the whole time that the baby would just stay in and that they could stop things at Holy Family.

All of a sudden the pain stopped and I felt really hopeful and grateful that things were getting better. I thought that labor was stopping. Then I felt a pushing contraction and mild pressure. Then all too quickly all too effortlessly he slipped out. I told the medic, “ I think he came out”. He rushed over and I had my arms over my face and I was losing it, crying. The medic rushed over picked him up and put him in a hazardous waste bag. I remember asking him if he had to put him in that bag. I was crying so hard I probably didn’t make any sense. He tucked the warm bag next to my leg and covered us both with a blanket.

The medic began to ask me random questions. I thought it was weird but I knew he was trying to keep me calm. I pulled it together and was able to sit up more and talk more clearly. I pulled off my oxygen and oxygen monitor. I asked him if the baby was a girl or a boy. He told me he could check so he opened the bag and he told me it was a boy. It made everything seem more unfair. He left the bag open and said I could look at him.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He was perfect. Noah was born in his amniotic sac and he was still encased by it as I looked at him. His legs were slightly tucked and his hands were up to his mouth. He looked so surreal and peaceful still floating in what had been his home for the last 5 months. I didn’t think he was alive he was so still and that was confirmed when I heard the medic talking to the hospital saying I’d had a stillborn baby boy. That was a relief to me as I’d heard of babies that age living for a few minutes and I don’t think I could have handled it. I was thankful that whatever pain he may have had did not last long as he had been alive and kicking not an hour before on the ultrasound monitor.

The medic asked if I wanted him to wait to tell Luke until we got to the hospital. I said no, I didn’t want him going the rest of the way thinking that there was still hope. The rest of the drive is a blur. I just stared at Noah for as long as I could. When we got to the hospital the medic covered us both up with another blanket. Luke was standing outside when they brought the stretcher out and I couldn’t look him in the eye because I knew I would lose it again.

The hospital stay at Holy Family is somewhat of a blur as well. The nurses were all really nice and kind. I could tell one had been crying before she came in to see me. They transferred me to a hospital bed and they took Noah from me to clean him up. They came back with a tiny bundle holding my son. The nurse handed him to me and it hurt to look at him. He was so still. I don’t know how long I looked at him. It felt like forever but when it was time to let him go it wasn’t nearly long enough. He was so cold. His hands were perfect, his feet were perfect, his nose, his lips. I tried to kiss him but it felt so strange and harsh and real and cold. Luke held him then for a while. We both cried and the pain was so overwhelming and suffocating. I never knew emotional pain could be so physical. I knew I would never be the same again.

My mom came in at some point and she held Noah for a while. They had a cute bassinet set up in the room but it was much too small. They laid him in it and he fit perfectly. The nurses asked if I wanted him to spend the night in my room. I said no, I wanted a live baby to spend the night with me, not a shell of a little boy who was no longer with us.

I knew it was going to be a long night. The nurse asked me if I wanted a sleeping pill. I refused at first but a few hours later changed my mind. If I didn’t sleep I knew Luke wouldn’t get good rest. I knew if I was going to see my girls the next day I would need some kind of rest. I took the sleep aide. It worked, and I slept for about 4 hours. Waking up was painful, my heart hurt before I remembered what had transpired the night before. They brought Noah back in and even in just a few short hours he already looked different. He was gone and his body was already fading. I couldn’t hold him for very long and they took him back to a room.

We were ready to go home. They said that since Noah was less than 20 weeks gestation we could take him home with no issues.

We were taken back to the room they called the butterfly room. It was meant to be comforting and warm but to me it just felt dark and sad. They had him dressed in a hat and a small blanket and a small diaper. They put him in a box. Although made of cardboard it was nice and looked like a mini casket. I was ready to take him home. I was a little taken aback when the nurse got out a huge gift bag and put the box inside. She said it would make it easier when we left. I was mad at first but as I walked out into the lobby where people in the waiting area were looking up expectantly for news of their loved ones babies, I knew the only thing to keep me from completely falling apart was that they didn’t know what was in my bag. It was so very light but it was so heavy all at the same time.

We left the hospital and went to pick up the girls. They were full of questions I wasn’t ready to answer . I got them into the car and I’ll never forget Adriana asking who the present was for. Having to tell them that the little baby brother they had been praying so hard for was in heaven with Jesus was one of the hardest parts. It wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

We got home. Luke made funeral arrangements, Noah was to be buried at the Blanchard cemetery where there were some family owned plots. He spent most of the day in the barn making a pine box.

Noah spent the night in our room. It didn’t seem right for him to be anywhere else at that point. Saturday the day of the funeral was cold and drizzly, perfect for how I felt about burying my son. Luke put him in the pine box. I couldn’t look at him again. It was too much to see his body fading even more. When he came out with the pine box holding my baby cold reality kept washing over me. It was like being in the worst nightmare I’d ever been in. I couldn’t wake up, and make it stop.

We made it to the cemetery with lots of family waiting. The pastor had a beautiful message. I only remember holding on to Elina not able to let her go. They put the tiny box into the cold ground and covered it with fresh dirt. It was over so fast. It was hard to leave. I knew he wasn’t there anymore. He was with Jesus. I still wanted to wrap him up in a warm blanket and hold him again.

Family and friends were kind to us in the following weeks. Meals, cards, loving words were sent our way some from people I’d never met. This pain will never go away, it is my new constant companion. Knowing exactly how old he would be today will never stop. The ache of what could have been is ever present. Heaven is so much sweeter with him in it and I cannot wait to give him the biggest hug when I get there. I just have some things to do here first.