Thirty Five

Thirty Five

I’ve been around for thirty five years. It has been quite a ride so far. I’ve had my share of pain and heartache. I’ve also had my share of blessings that I do not deserve. God has been so good to me. Even in my pain, even in my trials has shown Himself faithful.

Five years ago (yesterday) my life was altered in a way I never saw coming. I found out the person I was married to was not who he had claimed to be. He had broken the marriage vows by soliciting prostitutes. He came to me with it the day before my 30th birthday, glossing over everything like it was all some awkward misunderstanding at a massage parlor. I asked him to leave that day and my life turned upside down. It had been a simple but busy life, we had three girls before the oldest turned three. We had a farm, a milk cow, 2 dogs, 3 cats and 25 gorgeous acres in North Eastern Washington. I knew all that was in jeopardy when he left.

I had been overwhelmed with the death of our son Noah James just 8 months prior. I had been coming out of the fog of grief. I was starting to feel human again when I was hit with this new pain. The pain of betrayal. I remember feeling so dirty and gross, I wanted to take a bath in bleach. Just a couple of weeks later that feeling increased when I received a letter from my ex-husband's victim, telling me of horrific abuse she endured from him when she was a child. It had started at the same age my oldest daughter was at the time. She had been manipulated and forced to do unspeakable things at such a young age.

When I heard about this I knew I could never trust this man around my children. I didn’t know what the future would or could look like. I didn’t know all the legal implications but I knew I didn’t want him around my girls. He had sexually abused and raped a familial relative, someone he had easy access to and I wasn’t about to give him anymore access to my children. The abuse had not been just a one time event, it took place over almost a decade. I’ve researched recidivism (reoffending) rates and the main thing that I’ve learned is that we will never know the true reoffending rate. Incestuous child sexual abuse is one of the most underreported offenses and only a very small percentage of cases every make it to trial and prosecution. Most cases of child rape aren’t even reported until decades after the abuse.

I am not a gambler and I was not and am not willing to risk my children's well being in the hopes that he has “truly changed” this time. Any person who has ever sexually assaulted or raped a child should stay away from children forever. Even a so-called reformed abuser. Just as I wouldn’t recommend a recovered alcoholic be a bartender. It only takes one moment of weakness to scar a child for life. The one thing I’ve found in my hours of research is how damaging even one instance of sexual abuse can be to a childs mental and emotional well being all the way into their adulthood. It is even more damaging if that person is a family member. The impact of abuse can include, ptsd, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse etc. Short Article On Long Term Affects Of Child Sexual Abuse I would do anything to keep my girls from experiencing that.

5 years removed from that situation and that life and I can truly say that I am thankful for that experience. My view on the world has changed. I am not so gullible and trusting of people. I don’t take people at their word, I look to see how their actions line up with what they say. I don’t feel like I have to be nice to people who make me uncomfortable. I’m thankful to say that my girls are picking up on this as well. I will never force my kids to give affection to people if they don’t want to.

I have been able to experience true love, with a man who is imperfect but perfect for me. We’ve had our share of pain but thankfully those were from life being thrown at us not from within. We lost three babies, then almost lost me, then nearly lost him. Thankfully it has only brought us closer instead of tearing us apart. He supports me and loves me and works hard to try to give us all a better life. He is as passionate as I am about keeping my girls safe and teaching them how to stand up for themselves. I wouldn’t appreciate this man half as much if I hadn’t gone through my first marriage and for that I am very grateful.

In 35 years I’ve learned that not everyone gets to grow old. I’ve learned that most of the real salt of the earth people have experienced deep pain and loss. Some of the worst have as well and it’s all with how you deal with it and process it. I hope to turn my pain into compassion and understanding to people around me. To not be so focused on my own pain that I don’t see the people around me that need someone to listen. I feel that now I can relate to people who are in the midst of pain and loss after all I’ve gone through so far. I am thankful for my health, it’s not always a guarantee. I’m thankful for all the mundane tasks that I get to do for my people. Not saying I always show it and when it gets tough it helps to remember how many people lost a loved one, a child or a spouse and would kill to be in my position washing dishes, reffing squabbles, doing laundry etc..

This has been a bit rambly but all this to say is God has been faithful to me and my family. Even in the worst of times if you look to Him you will see His goodness.

Listen to more of my story at Sons of Patriarchy podcast on all major platforms linked here https://youtu.be/_zSqY_1hYXg?si=BeXEixmupZtux7WB